Finding out that you've been cheated on can be one of the most devastating things that can happen when you're in a relationship. The thing is, no matter how confident you are in yourself, being cheated on can damage your self-esteem in the worst possible ways. As anyone whose ever gone through it would know, infidelity can affect you both mentally and physically. As a new study found, asking yourself this one common question can make things even worse: What did I do wrong?
'Being cheated on can create serious trust issues,' NYC-based individual and couples therapist, Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, tells Bustle. 'You may become wary of everyone in your life and start having an intense fear of getting hurt emotionally. You may also feel a lack of connection with people. Instead, you may isolate yourself from socializing with others. Finally, you may experience low self-esteem and thoughts of, 'What did I do wrong?' or 'What is wrong with me?' are common.'
In a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers from the University of Nevada, Reno wanted to see how people's mental health and behaviors were affected by infidelity. So they conducted a survey of over 200 college students who've been cheated on in the past three months, and were in relationships that averaged nearly two years. Here's what the study found:
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'When someone is being cheated on they're often also being lied to, which is really the issue at hand,' Dr. Michele Barton, PhD, Director of Clinical Health at Psychology Life Well tells Bustle. 'If your partner is lying to you on a regular basis, this can induce feelings of anxiety and paranoia that are warranted, yet without evidence may feel like you're going crazy reeking havoc on your self esteem and sanity.'
That sort of thing can definitely change you, which is why it's so common for people to be hesitant and guarded when they enter into a new relationship afterward. But as the study found, the psychological distress you get from being cheated on can lead you down a road of risky behaviors such as unprotected sex, drug and alcohol abuse, and binge eating or not eating that it could harm your physical wellbeing as well.
The anxiety you experience from being cheated on tends to have physical symptoms that manifest such as migraines, stomachaches, IBS, nausea, loss of appetite or overeating.
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According to Barton, the anxiety you experience from being cheated on tends to have physical symptoms that manifest such as migraines, stomachaches, IBS, nausea, loss of appetite or overeating. 'So if you find yourself in these circumstances, deal with them immediately as long as the symptoms continue the worse the damage to your body and mind could be,' she says.
'Asking yourself what you did wrong after being cheated on puts part of the blame on you when in fact cheating has nothing to do with you,' Hershenson says. 'Cheaters have their own issues and insecurities that lead them to cheat. Oftentimes cheaters feel invaluable or insignificant in their relationship or life in general. Cheating gives their ego a boost when they don't have healthier coping skills to deal with their issues.'
The physical and psychological effects can hurt more when you're constantly asking yourself, 'What did I do wrong?'
Cheating tends to hurt most people. But the physical and psychological effects can hurt more when you're constantly asking yourself, 'What did I do wrong?'
According to the study, people who blamed themselves for their partners cheating were more likely to engage in risky behaviors. While researchers aren't exactly sure why this happens, they theorize that an individual's damaged self-esteem can lower their inhibitions toward risky behavior or cause them to retaliate against their partner. Women were also more likely to feel the distress of being cheated on more than men.
'You must remove yourself from the situation in order to heal,' Barton says. 'You can't be expected to heal and deal with the person who hurt you at the same time.' If you can remove yourself from the situation and clear your head, you might be able to get a better perspective on things to prevent you from placing the blame on yourself.
I think it's best to remember that getting cheated on isn't your fault. I know it's hard to stop yourself from thinking that you could've done something more or that maybe if you were a little bit more of this or a little bit less of that then maybe your partner wouldn't have strayed. But the truth is, your partner cheating on you isn't your fault. That's on them. So don't let this get you down and always remember to be kind to yourself.
Your girlfriend confesses she cheated. What should you do?
The dating guru offers answers to tough questions men want to know about love, romance, and relationships.
His Question
Hi, Dating Geek,
A few months ago, my girlfriend admitted to me that she slept with another guy. While I didn’t get all the details, I know that it happened with her ex while he was in town for a business trip.
After she told me, I was devastated. Immediately, I broke off the relationship. But here is the thing – we never stopped talking.
In the last few days, she’s been texting with messages that suggest we get back together – promising she’ll never cheat again. What should I do? I’m really messed up!
-Messed Up
The Answer
Hello, MU,
I’m going to give you a straightforward answer – do not take her back.
This may not be what you want to hear. Please know I’m not saying this to be a jerk. Instead, it comes from a place of compassion and not wanting you to experience more pain.
I’m imagining this girl is a knockout – she would have to be for you to even consider this. Let’s be real, OK? If she were just average, you probably wouldn’t even be entertaining this idea at all. Instead, it would be a done deal and you’d be on to someone new.
But this woman is different. Maybe it’s the color of her hair. Perhaps it’s her smile or her contagious laugh. At the end of the day, you just don’t want to let her go.
What’s interesting is how strong your desire is to resurrect this previous romance, particularly since she left you humiliated with a massive hole in your heart.
But I’ve learned over the years that we don’t choose who we fall in love with. It’s not like we can turn our feelings of like a light switch.
So, in your text exchanges, I am imagining that she’s being super sweet … maybe bringing up good times from the past and sending cute pictures as a reminder of what was.
As part of the back and forth, she assures you that her infidelity was just a “one-time thing” and it “just happened”, promising that nothing like this will ever occur again.
And you, feeling vulnerable and lonely, entertain this idea of giving the relationship another try. Sound familiar? If so, it’s super important that you keep reading.
Here’s the hard truth – she’s lying to you. Curious how I know? It’s simple. Cheating is a choice. Yes, all of us have thought about doing it (anyone who says they haven’t is full of sh–).
Think about it for a second. How often do you look at women and imagine what a sexual encounter might be like? Be honest MU, probably a lot, right? That’s the way it is for a lot of guys I know. Well, unless they are the self-shaming type and act like having fantasies is evil (hint: it’s not).
Think of that hot girl down the hall from you at work. Back when you were in your relationship, didn’t you still check her out whenever she passed by? Even just a little?
My point is that the mind has a way of fantasizing. The eyes have a way of wandering. But there is a big difference between looking at the metaphorical menu vs. sampling the food. Follow me?
And let’s face it – attractive people have a way of showing up in our lives at the exact moment we begin dating someone new. And they keep showing up (for some strange reason) during those first critical months of a blossoming romance.
Related:How to ace the first kiss
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Assuming you can relate, I’m thinking you made the conscious choice to not partake in extracurricular activities, even though you could have and probably gotten away with it.
You Cheated On Me Quotes
Remember when your ex wanted to “get together” and you shot her down? How about the random girl you met at a conference who really wanted to show you her room? Do you recall telling her no, even though every fiber of your being was saying yes?
You get the point. You avoided temptation. You saw the 60-mile per hour training coming at you and said, “No, I’m not going to cheat on my girlfriend.” On some level, you recognized that a quick romp in the sack with a beautiful woman wasn’t worth risking what you already had.
Believe it or not, your girlfriend (well, ex now I suppose) had the same exact challenges you did. You’ve got to believe that more than once, some guy hit on her – and maybe even more intensely when he learned she was attached.
But unlike you, she said yes to temptation. Worse, she did it with someone she already knew. I say worse because she knew full well exactly what would happen when she agreed to meet her ex.
And let me assure you, she wasn’t thinking it would be for casual drinks and a few laughs.
More:What to do when she flirts with other men
Every single person on the planet knows what a booty call is, especially from an ex. The moment she said “yes” to meeting him was the moment she knew they’d be hooking up. It didn’t just happen out of the blue.
On some level, there probably was a little voice in her head that set off alarm bells. Maybe she did say to herself, “If I do this, I’m going to f—- up something great happening with my boyfriend.” But she ultimately decided to go for it anyway, knowing she was risking a breakup.
You may truly want to believe that this was just a onetime event. And there’s a slight chance that could be true. But in my experience, most folks (women and men) are creatures of habit.
At some point down the road, another guy is going to hit on her. It could be someone from her past or it could be a new dude. Regardless, she’ll probably think about stepping out again and oh, by the way – screwing you over.
When You Cheated On Someone
Look, I realize this is not going to be an easy talk. But you asked for my opinion and I’m just telling you like it is. She hurt you once – which means she has the ability to do it again. Moreover, she’s demonstrated that she is a cheater.
She’s probably going to tell you that she loves you dearly and that – now – she recognizes the error of her ways. But honestly, do you really want that kind of love?
Think you could use some dating tips? Email the Dating Guru at askus@guycounseling.com